A familiar concern for people with penises when it comes to ejaculation is how quickly, or how slowly they get there while pleasuring their partners.
Many males have tried to ‘hang in there’ when they feel like they’re about to explode or even wondered at some point if they could last just a little while longer in bed ― and not just once, but time and time again. All in the name of confidence, prolonging the experience, and delighting their partner(s).
What it comes down to is really ejaculation control. And the good news is that it’s a skill (and a little bit of an art too) that people with penises can practice and develop.
Ejaculation control is all about mastering the art of pleasure.
By learning about how you and your partner(s) can savor the sexual energy that courses throughout your body, you’ll grow to appreciate a different kind of pleasure ― the kind that’s more profound and intense. And ultimately, will help alleviate the unnecessary pressure to feel the need to “perform” or “last.”
To begin learning how to control ejaculation, take it slow, and explore it for the sake of your own pleasure.
First, let’s explore the idea of “rapid ejaculation (some know this as premature ejaculation).”
There really isn’t a guideline or set number of seconds, minutes, or even hours that provide a baseline to “shoot for” (pun intended). For this reason, we can talk about rapid ejaculation as involving the inability to control ejaculation sufficiently for both partners to enjoy the sexual interaction or when a male orgasm happens before the other partner is ready.
This definition assumes that one partner needs to come before the other to have the right kind of sexual experience. Can we all just forget this idea?
If you’ve been hanging out with us for a while, you probably know we’re fans of consensual pleasure for pleasure’s sake — for everyone!
If ejaculation takes you or your partner by surprise, then we can call it rapid ejaculation. Because it’s not that it happened “too fast,” it just happened unintentionally — Perhaps before you were ready.
There could be many causes for rapid ejaculation, some of these may be:
- Racing into sex
- Experiencing sex with our heads and not our bodies
- Psychological factors such as stress, guilt, depression, or relationship issues
- Performance-related anxiety (emotional arousal)
- Physical causes, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid problems or, prostate disease
Now that we’ve talked all about the uncontrolled kind of ejaculation, let’s discuss the controlled variety.
Learning to manage your ejaculation might take some time and patience ― especially if you want these new habits to stick.
Here are 5 ways you can play with to help you master the art of controlled ejaculation:
1) Navigate your way in bed
You can begin by creating a safe space for your partner(s) to enjoy themselves and a pleasurable adventure with you. You can stimulate your partner in more ways than with a penis alone, and we’re willing to bet they certainly won’t mind at all!
Constantly stay open to new ways to explore how you can please your partner(s) and take the pressure off of yourself to pleasure your partner using just one means.
2) Get acquainted with your sexual energy
Your energy fluctuates throughout the day, week, and your life, so your sexual energy ebbs and flows too. Tune into the peaks and valleys of your sex drive and play with having sexual experiences at different times of the day ― perhaps during a time where your sexual energy is low to practice more control.
By mixing up your intimacy schedule, you’ll keep your body guessing. Keep in mind your partner has their own natural ebbs and flows to their sensual energy too.
3) Get physical before sex
Since disconnecting from your body can lead to uncontrolled orgasms, try taking part in some kind of physical activity with your partner before sex. The goal is to feel more connected, grounded, and present in your body.
This is a Tantric practice that lets your body know something sensual is about to happen and to get ready to welcome all the good vibrations.
You could try a massage, yoga, meditation, some controlled breathing exercises, or a relaxed walk. Not only will this up your enjoyment level, but you’ll get to connect more deeply to each other.
4) Breathe in tune with your partner(s)
By simply aligning your natural breathing rhythm with your partner’s, you’ll be able to be more present in all the sensations you’re feeling, taking over the uncontrollable urge to ejaculate during the entire sexual experience.
Begin by mimicking some of the motions and movements your partner uses and you can start to expand your sexual energy throughout your body.
5) Deepen your connection with your partner(s)
With more connectedness and open communication, you’ll be able to foster a deeper trust in one another. As you get closer emotionally, you’ll be able to deepen your sexual connectivity as well.
As you take the time and put in the effort to build more trust with your partner, they’ll be able to feel more seen and heard ― letting them know it’s completely safe for them to share their deepest desires with you.
Sex is a powerful force that’s inside of us, and it takes plenty of patience, self-knowledge, and inward focus to really begin to explore are the fun paths that exploring this energy can lead to.
The very first step is to make a conscious effort to connect with your body ― and congratulations! You’ve already done this!
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Sexology International, like all of our work, is for people of all sexual preferences and all forms of gender expression, including people whose identity is something other than male or female. As such, we like to use gender-neutral pronouns. More recently accepted alternatives include words like “ze” and “hir” or the universal pronoun “they.” Throughout our work, we will be doing our best to use alternative pronouns, such as “they,” whenever gender or plurality is unimportant. In doing so we hope it helps everyone to feel included in the discussion and that it inspires you to think outside of traditional sex and gender binaries.