Ever fake an orgasm? You know, when you’re just not going to get there or your to-do list is running through your head. Faking it can feel like a big fat lie or a bad inside joke with yourself.
When I think about “faking it”, I remember the classic “yada yada yada” Seinfeld scene. Elaine is describing an underwhelming date by flatly saying, “We went out, I ordered lobster, we went back to my place, one thing led to another, and yada yada yada, I never talked to him again.” When Jerry protested that she yada, yada, yada-ed over the best part of the story, Elaine replies, “I mentioned the lobster.” By faking her orgasm, Elaine intended to save her date the embarrassment of not feeling “masculine” and virile.
The reason many people decide to fakegasm? Wanting to avoid the possibility of their partner(s) feeling “less than” or contribute to the feeling of embarrassment.
The truth is, feeling the need to fake orgasm can be reduced with exposure to the right sexual education and letting go of persistent myths and stereotypes related to sexual performance. One of the biggest myths is that sex is done when one partner(s) reaches climax. Enjoyable sex is not just the moment of climax. It’s about full body pleasure and being present in the experience.
When you lie to your partner(s) about your needs, dislikes, and preferences, it can only result in a lousy sexual experience. It may even end up leaving your partner(s) questioning their abilities in the bedroom based on body language alone – no matter how good you think you ‘fake it.’
The best way to avoid a fakegasm situation is to cultivate a mature sexual connection. Here are six tips to help you banish the fake orgasm forever.
ONE: Talk Talk Talk
Establish an ongoing practice of openly communicating your sexual needs with one another. While a lot of people have hang-ups about discussing sex, not talking about it just perpetuates the cycle. Try talking about how you’d like more pleasure in your sexual relationship and have a full body experience instead of working toward orgasm and then dusting your hands of the experience. Honesty – with yourself and your partner(s) – is liberating. By being true to your wants, needs, and desires, you’re opening yourself up to exploring your sexuality as well as deepening your connection with your partner(s).
TWO: Take your eye off the finish line
Experiment by slowing down. Enjoy the sexual journey and the sexy moments instead of focusing on the end – It’s not a race (nor should it be). By practicing mindfulness and prolonging the experience, you’re opening yourself up to truly being present in your body. This lets you cultivate a connection with your erotic self while having good synchronization with your partner(s) and alleviating the pressure associated with the end result. Remember, you can end the experience at any time, when you feel emotionally or physically fulfilled, not only after you orgasm.
THREE: Get familiar with your motivations
Have you ever asked yourself what motivates you to have sex? Try asking yourself that now. Be honest. Were you surprised by the answer? There are two types of motivations:
Approach motivations focus on positive aspects such as you have sex for pleasure or to increase intimacy with your partner(s).
Avoidance motivations’ main goal is to stop or prevent something such as your partner(s) leaving the relationship or you not feeling loved. If they have sex with you, they must love you, right? It’s important to create positive motivation for wanting to engage in sex. If you see it in a negative light, you won’t give yourself the opportunity to experience the full pleasure sex can bring you.
FOUR: Separate your feelings from your thoughts
People with a poorly differentiated “self” depend heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform.
Undifferentiated people cannot separate feelings and thoughts; when asked to think, they’re flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their responses on that. Further, they have difficulty separating their own feelings from others’; they look to others to define how they should think about issues, feel about people, and interpret their experiences.
Practice radical acceptance and explore and embrace your sexuality as it is. Lighten up the pressure to perform and feel your way through.
A person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.
FIVE: Intimate communication
It’s easy to think about your partner(s)’s wants and needs during sex instead of your own. If you actually want to reach your climax, it’s important to express your needs. Do you need to slow down? Speed up? More pressure? Less pressure? Focus on freeing yourself from any inhibitions you may have regarding expressing your sexual needs. What’s your body yearning for? Tell your partner(s) that instead of spending time worrying about if they’re getting bored with you taking too long. Remember there’s no race or finish line. Shut your brain off and focus on what you’re feeling. It’s important to be true to your authentic sexual self instead of just hoping or expecting your partner(s) to read your mind.
It’s hard to blame yourself in the fakegasm situation, but the truth is, until you’re okay with being vulnerable and showing up without the guarantee of fireworks, you’re suppressing your natural responses and feelings. By not being true to your own needs and wants in the bedroom, you’re doing yourself and your partner(s) a great disservice. Once you decide to transition from the fakegasm to the whatever-happens-happens-gasm—be patient with yourself and your partner(s). It can be scary when you’re not used to being totally open and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Be kind and compassionate as you establish positive new communication rituals. You—and your relationship – are worth it.
Learn to enjoy sex more freely, with or without orgasms. What really dampens the experience isn’t missing out on an orgasm, but the feeling like you need to fulfill unrealistic expectations… where’s the fun in that?
Optimal sexuality is when you’re comfortable being present, embodied, and focused.
Sexology International, like all of our work, is for people of all sexual preferences and all forms of gender expression, including people whose identity is something other than male or female. As such, we like to use gender-neutral pronouns. More recently accepted alternatives include words like “ze” and “hir” or the universal pronoun “they.” Throughout our work, we will be doing our best to use alternative pronouns, such as “they,” whenever gender or plurality is unimportant. In doing so we hope it helps everyone to feel included in the discussion and that it inspires you to think outside of traditional sex and gender binaries.