All of us at some point have let our minds drift off to sexual fantasyland. Perhaps this is a fantasy you’ve been thinking about playing with someday, but for now, it only fuels your thoughts during masturbation or when you’re doing mundane things like driving to work, sitting on the train, or paying online bills.
Maybe you’re thinking about sharing your fantasy with your partner(s), but there’s only one problem; you’re worried about how (and even if) to bring it up. Will they think you’re strange? Will they be completely turned off?
Fantasy is a healthy and natural part of being human.
This is your hall pass to go ahead and think your thoughts. Rest assured that there’s no daydream too big, small, crazy, or out there. We’re all unique sexual beings, which is fabulous news because it means we all have different desires and things that turn us on. It’s also normal for many people to worry about how their partner(s) will react. What matters is that you have a healthy level of trust and communication with your partner—you should feel safe bringing up your fantasies.
Fantasy time is storytime.
Even if you don’t think you have a creative imagination, you may have some ideas for an erotic daydream hanging out somewhere in the back of your mind. The media may have inaccurately shaped our concept of a fantasy, but know it means more than suggestive costumes, porn-star facial expressions, eye-popping scary-looking toys, and role play.
The cool part about fantasies is that they give us a direct route to curious playtime and to think beyond our past experiences. It’s a time where you can go beyond inner blocks or sidestep relationship pitfalls, and drop all the ideas or perceived restrictions on age, our bodies, health, and spiritual notions.
Learn to flex your fantasy muscles.
If you’re just getting started with fantasies, here are some ways to dig into some that make you blush and maybe warm up to the idea of sharing them with your trusted partner(s).
- Write a fantasy wishlist
No one needs to read your list—create it only with your eyes in mind. You can think about sharing later on—and only if you feel like it. Light a candle or settle into a relaxing space where you can let your mind wander for 15 minutes.
Start writing down any fantasies that come to mind. Consider this a sexy brainstorm and instead of judging ideas as they come to you, just let the fantasies flow. You can always revisit your list later and remove any that aren’t striking your fancy. Or you can shred the list altogether—there’s absolutely no need to stick to rules when it comes to playing with fantasy. Also, if you do decide to take some of your ideas for a test drive, you don’t have to sit there and wrack your brain for ideas if you’re about to get it on. Play with the possibilities. Maybe it’s a sexy experience you had with a previous partner, someone you desire, or a steamy movie or book scene.
- Small sexy steps
To get started with trying a new daydream, begin by introducing it in a relaxed and non-threatening way. As an example, if you dream about your partner handcuffing you to the bed, but the thought of being trapped makes you dry heave, consider using a scarf, necktie, or another piece of soft fabric.
- One at a time
You may run into fantasy fatigue or frustration by trying out several fantasies in a single evening. Take it slow, take your time, and thoroughly enjoy the experience each one brings. If one doesn’t feel quite right, take it as a lesson—now you know what doesn’t turn you or your partner(s) on.
- There’s no right or wrong way to try a sexi scenario
Toss out the rule book because there’s no rule book! Sensual fantasies can involve any place, person, or setting and can be shared or kept to yourself. You’re free to daydream anytime and anywhere the idea strikes. Consider your fantasies like ready-to-go movie clips you can play in your head whenever you like. You can use your fantasies as rocket fuel to up the intensity of your sexual experience in an instant.
- Intensify reality
Our senses can enhance and deepen our sensual experiences. By focusing on your sensations—sight, scent, feel, or the sound of what’s happening in the moment, you can intensify your entire experience and heighten the experience of a sensual event.
- Your dreams can stay just that—dreams
Just because a sexi vision is running through your mind, doesn’t mean you have to try it. Sometimes the best thing about sexy daydreaming is that it’s merely that—an erotic dream.
Know that it’s entirely okay if your fantasy is wild or extraordinarily risqué and entirely inappropriate for acting out IRL (in real life)—maybe a threesome, having sex with a co-worker or giving or getting oral sex in public is too much for you and not worth the risk. The sky’s the limit when it comes to your imagination, and there’s no need to feel the pressure to take action on any of your fantasies.
When you’ve found a match made in fantasy heaven between your imagination and reality, your desire can quickly go from MEH to OMG. Are you curious about trying out a fantasy but don’t think you’re ready? Let us know, and we’d be happy to give you some ideas to help you get comfortable with pushing your sexi edges a little.
Did you enjoy stretching your imagination in this fun and sexi article? There’s more where this came from:
- Sexuality Is A Spectrum—How to Unshackle from Labels
- Focus On These 5 Things During Sex (That Aren’t Orgasm)
- May Is Masturbation Month: Celebrate Accordingly
Sexology International, like all of our work, is for people of all sexual preferences and all forms of gender expression, including people whose identity is something other than male or female. As such, we like to use gender-neutral pronouns. More recently accepted alternatives include words like “ze” and “hir” or the universal pronoun “they.” Throughout our work, we will be doing our best to use alternative pronouns, such as “they,” whenever gender or plurality is unimportant. In doing so we hope it helps everyone to feel included in the discussion and that it inspires you to think outside of traditional sex and gender binaries.