As a Sexologist, I help people with the typical concerns they have with sex. The most common challenge I hear about is not having or wanting to have enough sex. Many couples simply lack a desire for sex or have mismatched desire with their partner(s).
Sex is essential in an intimate relationship! It’s a completely normal and healthy part of life. Sex creates intimacy and connection in our relationships and gives us an outlet to express our sexual energy. Whether you have sex once a day, once a month, or once a year, there is no “right” answer. It’s about knowing yourself and having an experience that feels good.
Clients come to me sometimes in search of a big secret. They want to know how, once-and-for-all, how to have great sex—forever and ever.
It doesn’t work like that.
The secret is that there is no secret.
And what makes for toe-curling sex today won’t necessarily rock your boat tomorrow.
The experience of sex changes for everyone many times throughout their lives, and we all have to work at it. This is good news. Since no one is born being amazingly gifted at sex or relationships there’s a huge opportunity to grow. These are learned skills developed with plenty of practice. Where a Sexologist can help is to give you some tools and techniques to experiment with and learn as you try things out.
Adding to your toolbox overtime can be empowering, uncomfortable, and fun. Here are some ideas you can try out to build your toolbox of sex secrets.
- Consider your own sex and intimacy “stuff.”
We all come with baggage, and getting to know your specific brand of sex and relationship baggage will help you move forward and deepen your sexual relationships and your relationship with yourself. Many people hold a lot of guilt and shame around sex from their upbringing that can get in the way of their experience today. Talking with a sex therapist can help you clear anything up that’s holding you back from the sexual experience you’re craving.
- Reconnect with… YOU.
In coaching individuals whom have had an affair, they sometimes say that they did it to feel alive again. In many of these cases, it’s not that they want to leave their partner, it’s that they want to escape who they’ve become. Do some digging into how you’re feeling about your life. Your feelings may have nothing to do with sex at all. Try picking up an old hobby that you used to enjoy, trying something new, and finding a stillness practice in meditation or journalling.
By getting to know yourself more intimately, you can express your creativity and explore new things that inspire you, or anything at all that makes you feel alive. It’s that aliveness that will pique the curiosity in your partner(s).
- Get sex-smart.
Learn about sex by reading books, watching documentaries, attending workshops, or taking an online class. It can become too easy just to expect great sex to happen, but when you know more, you can take that power into your own hands.
- Stay interested in your lover(s).
Couples often tell me that they find their desire burns hotter for one another when they have some distance, and get to see them alive with passion in something they care about. The more there is to uncover about the other person, the more interested you’ll be in sex for the long haul.
Disconnecting from the pings, buzzes, and noises of the daily hustle is good for your focus and attention and good for your relationship too. When it’s time to be with your partner(s), tuck your phones and laptops away and please silence them or turn them off.
- Redefine sex.
Sex is about sparking a connection between people and continually following curiosity and having a certain kind of sexuality. It’s not around the act of having sex. It’s about having a particular sexualization in your relationship. It’s about an intimate gaze, how you feel in the presence of each other, and how you feel when you connect to that part of yourself.
- Use your tongue.
But not for what you think. Use the power of your tongue to communicate with your partner in and out of the bedroom. Talk with your partner(s) about how you’re feeling, what you love about them, and what, exactly, you enjoy during sex. Great sex starts with great conversation outside sexy time.
Let go of the idea that there are secrets to great sex and instead, focus on building a toolbox of ways to reconnect with yourself and your partner(s). Let go and enjoy the ride. It’s easy for all of us to get caught up in the busyness of work or life, but when we can slow down and enjoy the simplest of life’s pleasures, only then can we feel confident in our own skin and with our lovers.
If you found this article sexi, you might enjoy these sexi reads too:
- 10 Unexpected (but Totally Simple) Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
- Sex Not Fun Anymore? Here’s How To Take Control Of Your Pleasure
- The Surprising Reasons Why Being Bad Can Be Oh So Good for Your Sex Life
Sexology International, like all of our work, is for people of all sexual preferences and all forms of gender expression, including people whose identity is something other than male or female. As such, we like to use gender-neutral pronouns. More recently accepted alternatives include words like “ze” and “hir” or the universal pronoun “they.” Throughout our work, we will be doing our best to use alternative pronouns, such as “they,” whenever gender or plurality is unimportant. In doing so we hope it helps everyone to feel included in the discussion and that it inspires you to think outside of traditional sex and gender binaries.