Scheduling & Spontaneity In Your Sex Life: How to Balance It All

Scheduling & Spontaneity In Your Sex Life: How to Balance It All

Coaching, Communication, Desire, Intimacy, Pleasure, Relationships

Let’s schedule it!

It’s a perfectly fine phrase to hear around meetings and dentist appointments, but when it comes to your sex life, you might be pumping the brakes.

It’s common to feel like sex should always be an in-the-moment activity, so deciding to pencil sexi time in for 8 pm on Tuesday night might make it feel like an admission that your sex life is officially on life support.

Putting sex on the calendar doesn’t mean your sex life is suffering—in fact, it’s far from the truth!

Putting sex on your “to-do” list can actually improve your relationship.

It’s less about seeing scheduled sex as a chore or obligation, but making sure you carve out time for yourself and the experience. By making sex a priority, we’re demonstrating how much we value it.

With a sexy date approaching on the calendar, it can be way more fun than you might think.

Here are some ways to schedule an erotic playdate you’ll actually look forward to setting an alarm for:

  • Define a new kind of sex life
    Frequent spontaneous sex might be the stuff of your daydreams, but in reality, this isn’t sustainable long term. In a new relationship, it’s common to make significant sacrifices to create space and time for your new partner(s). As your relationship progresses and as time goes on, life gets the best of us all. We’re often so busy we don’t have a few spare minutes just to sit and relax, much less spontaneously hop in the sack.
  • Show your partner(s) you give a damn
    While blocking off an hour for sex is highly practical, it goes deeper than just carving out the time. It’s about showing them how much you value them. Things that are important to us find their way onto the calendar, and sex is important too!
  • You can still have spontaneous sex 
    Just because you’re the kind of person who schedules sex now doesn’t mean you can’t give into your spark of sensual desire and want to get it on. In fact, it’s common for some people to find that once they schedule sex, they end up having more spur-of-the-moment sex than they had in the past.
  • Choose your scheduling adventure
    Your scheduled sex can feel much more personal—and even more exciting if you and your partner discuss the type of scheduling that works well for other activities. If you’re over-scheduled, the detail-oriented parts of your brains might like having a sit-down at the beginning of the month and scheduling blocks of time for intimacy. If you’re a fan of consistency, you might like the idea that every Friday is sex day.
  • Minimum dose
    One problem with scheduled sex is that when your sex date comes around you might not be in the mood. This is why it can be a good idea to have a “bare minimum” agreement. A minimum dose of sex could look like one activity that feels completely manageable even if you’re exhausted. Maybe it’s pleasing yourselves while laying next to each other or cuddling naked before bed. If you feel like doing more, go right ahead! And if you don’t, you still had the chance to connect.
  • Treat it like a sexi date and look forward to it
    Having a date on the calendar can create incredible sensual anticipation all day long. On your sex date days, spend a little extra time on your self-care or grooming, take an extended shower, or wear something special. Throughout the day it can be fun to fantasize about your upcoming date. Send some erotic texts or emails. Do whatever you used to do to get yourself worked up.
  • Have some serious fun
    Scheduled sex is not snooze-worthy sex. It certainly doesn’t need to be! Include a bunch of sexy ideas or positions you’d like to try and place them in a sex date jar and the morning before each date, pick an idea out of the jar so you’ll have all day to anticipate it.

And more than putting sex on the calendar, make sure you’re scheduling non-sexi time with your partner(s). Remember to schedule date nights, fun events, and simply quality alone time—um hello, Netflix and chill!

Spontaneous desire doesn’t fall out of the sky when you’re flossing your teeth. Sex happens when you make it happen.


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Sexology International, like all of our work, is for people of all sexual preferences and all forms of gender expression, including people whose identity is something other than male or female. As such, we like to use gender-neutral pronouns. More recently accepted alternatives include words like “ze” and “hir” or the universal pronoun “they.” Throughout our work, we will be doing our best to use alternative pronouns, such as “they,” whenever gender or plurality is unimportant. In doing so we hope it helps everyone to feel included in the discussion and that it inspires you to think outside of traditional sex and gender binaries.


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