Our self-worth is often attached to achievement and it can become all too easy to go after quick fixes. Sure there are some quick (and maybe a little naughty) ways to make your sex life better as quickly as in the next five minutes, but we’re going to focus on the long-term.
Transformation happens with deliberate focus and intentional nourishment—when we detach from our thoughts and limiting beliefs and take a whole body and mind approach—one that calls for an ongoing commitment and eagerness to dance with the multifaceted and ever-changing rhythms of our sex lives.
The secret to great sex in long-term relationships isn’t a secret—it starts with emotional security and connection.
The road to delightful sex starts with you, and even once you begin the journey of self-work, it doesn’t stop. You are constantly changing and evolving, as is your partner.
Here are ten simple suggestions for upgrading your sex life:
1. Be here now.
Getting present in your body will help you to feel open and go deep. If you’re running through your neverending to-do list, planning tomorrow’s dinner, or thinking about the dishes piling up in the sink you’re not present. Sex is mindfulness in motion and is most delicious when we’re fully present, without judgment or commentary. Begin your mindfulness practice outside of the bedroom by quieting your thoughts, and focusing all your attention on your body and breath.
2. Ditch unreasonable expectations.
There’s no such thing as perfect sex, a perfect body, a perfect partner, or a perfect life. If you hear the word “perfect” in your head, know you’re trying to conquer the impossible.
3. Let go of ideals about frequency or orgasms.
If we’re focused on how often we’re having sex, and comparing what goes on in your bed compared with your neighbors, you could be letting others’ standards influence how you interpret your experience.
4. Define sex broadly.
Sex is touching, kissing, laying naked and naturally together, or a long eye gaze.
5. Touch yourself.
And have your partner do the same—in front of each other. Mutual masturbation can be an intense turn on. To get started, touch yourself while your partner strokes the rest of your body, then progress to watching, and let your partner watch you. Showing each other how you enjoy pleasure is an exercise in trust that can enhance your pleasure and spice up your sex life.
6. Honor your temple.
Start by looking after your physical body. Our sleep quality, nutrition, and exercise can have a significant effect how much we want or don’t want sex.
7. Express yourself.
Crystal clear communication is mandatory for fantastic sex. Make your wants and desires clear, direct, and to the point. If you’re vague with your requests, your partner(s) can’t read your mind. They need a little nudge to decipher your favorite ways of being stroked, kissed, and touched. Speak up and practice communicating outside and inside the bedroom. Initially, it might feel awkward and vulnerable, but like a muscle, your communication muscles get stronger the more you flex them.
8. Play with toys.
Grown-up sex toys can be a wonderful and playful companion to add more variety to your sex routine. Go shopping for toys together, or shop online in the comfort of your underwear in bed.
9. Think outside the sheets.
Play with sex in new locations throughout your home, try setting the stage for your home to feel like a hotel room and have hotel sex without spending hundreds on a night out. A change of scenery can be a fresh option to exploring sex and might also give you some new positions to try as you need to move your bodies to fit the space—like the backseat of your car perhaps.
10. Love and connection.
If our sense of safety and trust are strained, the body shuts down. A satisfying sex life calls for us to be vulnerable in all aspects of our lives—mind, body, and soul. If any of these areas have been hurt, it can affect your sexual enjoyment.
Try just one sexi suggestion at a time, or choose a few favorites listed above and be open to curiosity and play.
Need more ideas? Find out all the ways we can work together HERE.
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Sexology International, like all of our work, is for people of all sexual preferences and all forms of gender expression, including people whose identity is something other than male or female. As such, we like to use gender-neutral pronouns. More recently accepted alternatives include words like “ze” and “hir” or the universal pronoun “they.” Throughout our work, we will be doing our best to use alternative pronouns, such as “they,” whenever gender or plurality is unimportant. In doing so we hope it helps everyone to feel included in the discussion and that it inspires you to think outside of traditional sex and gender binaries.